


do you wanna know?

by pRESENTMIC



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, But it's there, Fluff and Angst, Hints of abuse, Hurt/Comfort, Lafayette is a cinnamon roll, M/M, Mentions of Suicidal Thoughts, Mentions of self-harm, Therapy, alex is smol and angry, bc he needs more fics about him, he will p r o t e c t, hercules mulligan centered, hinted eating disorder, hinted mental illness, it's barely there, john laurens is a freckled sweetheart, this is a vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-26
Updated: 2017-02-26
Packaged: 2018-09-27 00:36:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9941486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pRESENTMIC/pseuds/pRESENTMIC
Summary: “You know. Maybe I should just not go to therapy.” Hercules says as he slips his favorite grey beanie onto his head. His reflection stares back at him. Faint bags decorate his eyes. “I mean, a terrible friendship isn't a good enough reason to talk to a professional. How stupid is that? ‘Oh yeah, I had a jerk friend. Give me antidepressants.’ Pfft, yeah right.”





	

“You know. Maybe I should just not go to therapy.” Hercules says as he slips his favorite grey beanie onto his head. His reflection stares back at him. Faint bags decorate his eyes. “I mean, a terrible friendship isn't a good enough reason to talk to a professional. How stupid is that? ‘Oh yeah, I had a jerk friend. Give me antidepressants.’ Pfft, yeah right.” His reflection rolls his eyes and Hercules smiles at the mirror. “See? You get me! I’ll just tell Laf to cancel the appointment and I’ll be happy and on my way.” He rests his forearms on the marble countertop and nods. The cold stone chills his arms. A few moments of silence pass as he contemplates how he should approach his friends. They had been the ones to make the call in the first place after a disastrous discovery of a year-old journal Herc had once possessed. After finding out, he had just torn the pages out and flushed them out of his life.

He blinks and straightens his back. He gives himself one more encouraging smile and unlocks the bathroom door to talk to his friends, who were currently sleeping. “I’ll just…wait for them to wake up.” Hercules says quietly as he walks down to the kitchen to fix himself some food. Halfway down the hall, he stops. Maybe he shouldn't eat so much. Shrugging, he ignores his stomach and changes direction to go to his room.

The bed is messy and unmade, while a few of his clothes are scattered on the floor. His sewing machine remains unplugged while the pieces of the dress he has been working on has needles sticking out of every direction. Hercules makes his way to his bed and sits down, his body sinking into the worn mattress he's owned for his whole life. A gift from his brother, Cato.

For some reason, Hercules feels tired. He can't figure out why, and he doesn't care. His eyes start to drift shut and he doesn't fight the exhaustion that washes over him. He'll just sleep for a few more minutes. Just until his friends wake up.

 

…

 

“Herc! Mon ami! Get ready to go see the counselor!” Lafayette’s sing-songs as he flings open the door and skips his way to a snoring Hercules. He brushes a stray strand of hair away from his face and licks his lips. Hercules looks dead asleep, drool slipping down his chin and a crumpled beanie thrown onto the floor. “Herc?” He mutters something incoherent and shoves his face into his pillow. “Heeerc, wake up. Now.” Lafayette climbs onto the bed and pulls Hercules up into a slumped, sitting position. He stills, then brightens as he thinks of a way to get the sleeping boulder awake. Lafayette leans forward and sticks his tongue out.

As quick as he can he licks the side of Hercules’ face and leaps off the bed at Herc’s rough, annoyed shout. “Seriously? What time is it?”

“Eleven thirty.”

“The appointment isn't even until one, why'd you wake me up?” Herc groans as he finally sits up properly and rubs his tired eyes.

Lafayette smiles, his eyes crinkling as he says, “You have drool on your chin.”

Herc stops and his eyes peer down at his chin. He takes a hand and swipes it across. Lafayette rolls his eyes as Hercules tries--yet again--to remove the dried spit. He walks over to Hercules and licks his finger,then expertly removes the spit. Hercules wipes his hand across his chin again, his face twisted with disgust. “I don't get why you'd clean something with your spit, that's disgusting.”

“It’s liquid. It’s like water. And it works! Your face is clean!”

“And riddled with your germs.” Hercules grumbles. He suddenly stands up and walks over to Lafayette. For a split second his face morphs into a nervous frown, but just as quickly as it comes, it passes.

“Mon chou, are you…feeling alright?” Lafayette asks gently, caressing Hercules’ cheek.

Hercules is silent. He takes a deep breath and avoids eye contact. “I…I don't think I need to go to therapy.”

Lafayette frowns. “But you seemed interested a few days ago?” The phrase is spoken as a question.

“Yeah, but. I was thinking about it more deeply and-” He cuts himself off and smiles. His eyes seem unnaturally bright.

“Why don't you explain your thinking to everyone. John and Alex are in the living room eating right now.” Lafayette suggests softly, his hand reaching down to curl around Hercules’.

“I don't think,” He pauses. “okay.”

He lets Lafayette lead him into the living room and onto the couch next to the leather sofa that Alex and John had taken. “Ah, Sleeping Beauty has awakened.” John grins and scoots over to accommodate Lafayette.

“Hercules wants to tell us something about his first therapy appointment.” Lafayette says, giving Hercules a look to not joke his way out of a conversation about emotions.

“Therapy. Gosh, I hated it at first, but it really did help me.” Alex scrunches his nose. “I mean, Eliza was amazing at it.”

Hercules gives a small chuckle and twines his fingers together while looking down at his lap. “I was thinking that maybe I should just cancel the appointment.”

“What? Why?” John questions.

Hercules fidgets in his seat, a rare show of his uncomfortableness. “It’s just that…I didn't even go through anything traumatizing. I mean, Alex had a very good reason to go. He needed it! I don't.” He blurts out. Weeks of self doubt evident in his tone. John furrows his eyebrows and shakes his head as Alex tightens his mouth. Lafayette looks upset.

“I mean, sure. James Reynolds was a terrible guy, but it's not like he was abusive! He wasn't my boyfriend or anything. He was just a douche that insulted me a few times and made me think that I was sad. I mean, I can't blame him. He was having a hard time with other things and it wasn't his fault. It was, but it wasn't. I don't know how to explain.”

The only reply he gets is dead silence, so he takes a deep breath and continues. “I wrote that journal a long time ago. I bet you that it was just a phase. Hell, I read fanfiction and that can make me upset for days, weeks, and it’s probably just my brain making me upset because of a sad event between these fictional characters. I’ve tricked myself into thinking I’m in mental shit when I’m not. I never was. I wasn't affected by James or George or Samuel. I'm just stupid.” He realizes that he's shut his eyes and he opens them to see Alex shaking his head. Lafayette’s biting his lip and John’s standing up. “I-”

“Herc. You wanted to kill yourself.” A cold arrow pierces itself into Hercules’ chest at Alex’s words.

“You purposefully hit yourself with rubber bands and triggered yourself into depressive episodes that lasted weeks-”

“I wouldn't call them depressi-”

“No, Herc. Let me speak. You triggered yourself knowingly. And don't act like I haven't seen you try to scratch cuts into your skin with your fingernails whenever you're alone.” Alex’s voice is biting and Hercules feels Lafayette wrapping his arms around him. He feels numb. Why'd he think this was a good idea. He should've just repressed his feelings. He should've just stayed quiet. He's supposed to be the happy one.

“Reynolds was a bitch. He abused you. Just because you weren't dating him doesn't mean he couldn't abuse you. He publicly humiliated you and yelled at you to stop living. You _cried_ in the fucking shower everyday for weeks on end.”

Hercules feels himself jolt with surprise. How had Alex known about all this?

“King and Seabury were both cocksucks, okay? They didn't defend you when you needed it and they ignored you for a year for no valid reason. And excuse me, but you are not stupid, Herc. You are the smartest piece of fucking shit I’ve ever known in my life. You got accepted to Brown and you managed to scrape by with all A’s and B’s. That. Is fucking impressive.” Alex quiets down, his voice has gradually been getting louder through his rant. Alex runs a hand through his messy hair and looks at Hercules who seems beaten down and tired.

He kneels down and holds both of Hercules’ hands. “You need to talk to someone. You've spent your whole life pushing back all your problems and hiding them with only the emotions that aren't suspicious. You need to open up more, okay?”

Hercules can feel his shoulder trembling and his nose starting to go runny. Don't cry. Don't. Fucking. Cry. As if a barricade has been broken, he lets out a disgusting sob. “Oh, god. I’m crying.” He sniffles. Lafayette gives Hercules a chaste kiss on the forehead while John pats his back comfortingly.

Alex’s eyes soften and he leans forward to embrace Hercules. “I promise you, that you'll feel better once you talk to the therapist. If you truly don't think therapy will help you, talk to us. Okay? We’ll support you through everything.”

Hercules gives the three a wet smile. “Thanks, you guys. I couldn't-I couldn't have made it this far without y’all.” He laughs and attempts to wrap his arms around the three of them, which fails, but the sentiment is there. “Love you.”

“Love you too.” They whisper together.

They spend the rest of the time cuddling and talking until one o’clock.

Hercules stays in therapy for a solid year before deciding that he is strong and he is free.

Lafayette and Hercules get married and adopt twins.

John and Alex elope and wed.

The four never lose contact and Hercules never doubts them ever again.

**Author's Note:**

> lol i'm just venting


End file.
